The Real Reason Voldemort Wants to Kill Harry
by LtheNinja102
Summary: J.K Rowling has been lying to us this entire time! This is the REAL reason Voldemort wants to kill Harry Potter!


**A/N: This is a PARODY and should be taken as one. This actually was a text conversation I had with a friend. I randomly texted her saying ****的 ****wonder if Voldemort just woke up one morning and decided to be an evil lord. I bet he this is what happened... I have some really weird conversations with my friends.**

**And, yes. I know I switch tenses. I do it on purpose. I also know that this story doesn't makes sense. Why? BECAUSE I FREAKING CAN! Deal with it. **

**Disclaimer: If I wrote Harry Potter, this is exactly how things would go. Pfffft. This IS what happened. I'm not J.K. Rowling. Yet. Or am I? You'll never know. DUN DUN DUUUUH.**

So one day, Voldemort was just randomly cleaning out his closet when he comes across a boggart. This boggart was in the form of Harry Potter eating Voldemort's favourite flavour of Bertie Bots Every Flavour Beans (chicken liver) from his secret stash. Voldemort sees this as unacceptable and that whomever this kid maybe, he has to die. Voldemort then decides to devote his life to find this kid and kill him.

To get rid of the stupid and annoying boggart, Voldemort makes the boggart Harry wear nothing but a Gryffindor House flag. (Voldemort finds this funny and slightly attractive because he's a perv.)

Then Voldemort goes and buys a Niffler because Voldemort has always wanted a Niffler for a pet. Voldemort names his new pet Niffler 'Niffy'.

Voldemort finds and stalks 'Harry Potter', [(The guy the boggart was the same one from one of Voldemort's dream. That dream was a nightmare.) (Voldemort had a dream where he was an evil lord and when he woke up he was like 滴oly Hell, that'd be cool. Lets do it!Harry Potter was also in the dream and Voldemort was like 展hoa! Who _is _this kid. Lets kill him. He seems like a dick. (Voldemort is also very fond of talking to himself like he's another person. Much like the Gollum.)] who couldn't possibly be the real Harry Potter because the real Harry Potter wasn't born yet. In fact, Lily hasn't even met James.

The man Voldemort thought was Harry Potter was really a young man named Harrie Patter. Little did Voldemort know, (heck, little did _anyone _know) that Harrie Patter was really James Potter's older brother, that he never knew about. You see, James' mother had gotten preggers by a muggle boy. Nobody really knew about Harrie because they thought that James' mother had aborted. But she didn't abort, she gave her first born son to an old squib named Crabby Patter that everyone hated. Crabby Patter never told Harrie about magic because magic was a very sore subject for her. As for the MoM, they just never knew. So Harrie Patter lived his life a common muggle. But Voldemort didn't find this out until after poor Harrie had been murdered. I mean, Harry Potter and Harrie Patter were identical right down to the glasses and hair. Except for the fact that Harrie Patter had blue eyes. (That's why they gave Harry blue eyes in the movies, in memory of Harrie Patter's needless death.)

I'm getting quite off track here. Anyways, Voldemort continued to stalk Harrie Patter. Then one day, Voldemort bought a llama. Voldemort randomly tied the Gryffindor House flag to the llama's neck. Why a llama you ask? Because. Voldemort's Voldemort and he can do whatever he freaking pleases. After Voldemort bought the llama, he tracked down the boggart that posed as Harry Potter from Voldemort's dream and payed the boggart scare the three pigs Voldemort randomly kept in his living room, to chase the llama with a Gryffindor House flag tied to its neck. And for the price of 5 galleons, 1 sickle, 4 knots and a belly rub, the boggart did just that. So the boggart sared the 3 pigs into chasing a llama with a Gryffindor House flag tied to its neck down the street until Voldemort's really random pet Niffy the Niffler came out of nowhere. Niffy tripped the llama, which in turn tripped the 3 pig. All of which landed on top of the poor and unfortunate Harrie Patter and Niffy the Niffler. This killed the little Niffler. This also killed Harrie Patter. (Harrie's lungs were crushed by the llama because this llama was a fat llama.) Just before Harrie had died, he had bought a giant magical snake. Voldemort replaced his now dead Niffler with the giant magic snake. Voldemort named his new snake Nagini.

2 weeks later, Voldemort found out (from that stupid boggart) that Harrie Patter was, in fact, _not_ Harry Potter, (the dude from the dream). Voldemort rage quit and vowed that he would avenge Niffy's death by killing the real Harry Potter and by becoming the Voldemort we know today.

**Fabulous. And that's the real reason Voldemort wants to kill Harry. :)**

**PEACE!**

**~ GryffindorGirl102**


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